About

25yo
Currently residing in Beverly Hills, California
.. but my heart will always reside in the SF Bay Area <3
Future lawyer
~ WELCOME to the new EUNIVERSE, formerly known as 32-23-33!

SUPER - LONG PERSONAL POST ABOUT ME

For the last decade I have been struggling with my weight.
I have been at many highs and many lows.
Epic weightloss saga count: #109283018
Hmm. Getting fitter, more toned, and changing my perspectives on weight loss through self-growth and this wonderfully supportive fitblr/WL community.
Follow me as I try to finally get lean, fit and MAINTAIN IT FOREVER :)

PS: I don't starve, I don't restrict my diet to only healthful foods, and I fight the urge to exercise obsessively (yoga = only exception). It's no way (for me) to live, and from my past experiences, this is not how you set yourself up to maintain.

Official Start Date: 4.25.11
(Last year around this time I was 112 lb.. a weight I had maintained for about a year and was truly happy at)

Height: 5'4.5" (164 cm)
Frame: Small


HW: 165 lb (2005)
LW: 98 lb (2003) <-- ignore this, I was in high school, lol!
SW: 123 (Down 15 lb from October '10)
CW: 117 (6/22/11)
I would like to look good and fit comfortably into my clothes while also being a lean badass. OVERALL GOAL: REDUCE BODY FAT PERCENTAGE.
*new* Become very, very, very flexible.

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30 Day Weight Loss Challenge - 20/21

Day Twenty - Favorite diet?

My diet. Which isn’t really a diet. And I hear my views are very consistent with the “Intuitive Eating” approach.. all psychological. 

Day Twenty-One- What are your clothing sizes?

My jeans are all from Rag & Bone (they mold to weird body shapes like mine). I can currently fit comfortably in my 25’s, but the majority of my pants are size 24s. In the last month I’ve shrunk just enough to cram my body into 24s and get the zipper up, but it creates both a muffin top + love handles.

As for tops, I rarely wear anything form-fitting. But top-wise I’m from an xs - s.

30 Day Weight Loss Challenge - 18/19

Day Eighteen - What food is your weakness?

All Korean, Japanese, French and Mexican food. Savory/salty things. And potatoes in all forms. Especially fried. Deep-fried potato puffs to french fries to Pringles. <3

Day Nineteen- When is the last time you ate fast food?

Hmm.. a few days ago. A week ago? I think pizza might have been the last time O_O Somewhat record-breaking for the recent me (all these amazing fitbr blogs must be inspiring me ^^). If I’m stocked up with basics at home I tend not to eat out until all the food is gone. Lol. I’m making Korean food right now.. HEALTHY Korean food ^^v Will post a pic later >=)

30 Day Weight Loss Challenge - 17

Day Seventeen - Do you have an eating disorder?

No. I had a short tango with anorexic behavior when I was 16, but I wouldn’t call it an ED. I specialized in clinical psychology so my definition of various eating disorders tend to be dictated by the intensity/presence of standardized symptoms. And the number of people who claim to have clinically disordered eating patterns is inconsistent with the actual number of sufferers in this society. ED is a strong term. It implies that a lot of psychological and physiological issues/symptoms are taking place and should not be used lightly.

30 Day Weight Loss Challenge - 15/16

I’m slacking on this. I like this survey because it makes me question a lot of aspects about my weight loss journey and reflect on them, but I also hate that this has nothing to do with a “challenge.” More like the 30 Day Weight Loss Burden of Questions.

Day Fifteen - Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?

I tried a vegan diet when I was 17. I maintained it for about a month. It had absolutely no reflection on my morals, but my then-desperation to lose weight. I was also super-uneducated about getting proper nutrition from vegan/vegetarian diets so I just ended up binging on bread all day. You can probably imagine how that worked out.

Now, I would call myself a guilty meat-eater. A few years ago I really started researching/learning about what goes on in the meat/dairy industry. I have a profound love for mammals. I once saw a baby calf galloping around a field and playing much like a puppy would. I’ve seen the videos of slaughterhouses and been scared shitless by the screams of terrified pigs on the brink of death. My love for meat has drastically decreased ever since I became an adult, and on many occasions, I find tofu/beans/nuts a totally acceptable protein/fat substitute. 

But I still eat meat, for the convenience. A lot of Korean/Japanese food I cook requires meat/seafood, and when I really sit down and think about it, cutting out meat would make life more complicated and difficult (I know, it’s an excuse). I often cook for my carnivore parents on weekends. It’s an adjustment.

I’ve cut back on beef and pork and hope to eventually stop eating both altogether. I wish I could say I have the same sympathy for chickens but I kind of don’t… which is a little fucked up but I did say my animal love mainly only extends to the mammalia class ^^;

Day Sixteen - When did you first decide to lose weight?

My recent weight? I actively started making diet/exercise changes directly after my 25th birthday, the beginning of March.

As for weight loss, I’ve pretty much been on some form of diet since I was 14.

30 Day Weight Loss Challenge - 13 / 14

Day Thirteen - Are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?

The “healthy way.” And that applies to my mentality too. Part of me making this blog was to keep my thoughts in check. Unhealthy thoughts like “fuck it, just starve” used to always plague my thoughts while actively dieting.

Day Fourteen - What’s your UGW? When you expect to reach it?

I had an UGW listed when I first started this blog a few weeks ago. It was 108, which is kind of low. It’s a weight in which all my clothes fit comfortably/I thought I looked good, but I also realized the last time I was 108lb = I was skinnyfat. I’m trying to achieve a toned, lean body this time and I can’t actually say what weight that would probably occur around. Perhaps 110-115? I’m hoping to get there realistically around July (there’s something happening in July that I will post about later). 

30 Day Weight Loss Challenge - 12

Day Twelve - What do you normally eat?

I eat everything. I try (keyword, TRY) to make intuitive choices based on my hunger level and health/exercise activity for the day. Lately I’ve had a lack of Korean food in my diet :( But I’ve been too lazy to prepare it. But I should because Korean food is fairly healthy (less meat, lots of veggies/soy) and I find that I don’t need to control portion sizes.

30 Day Weight Loss Challenge - 11

Day Eleven- Your favorite thinspo blog and why!

I think I’ve moved past the “thinspo” blogs. I like almost any and all accounts of weight loss + life. Hence why I am again shamelessly promoting 

one-twenty-five.tumblr.com

I think for most of us, weight loss is not easy. Especially those of us who have experienced being classified by a doctor as “overweight” or “obese.” Most of us, at some (probably younger) point in our lives, have tried dieting, perhaps been successful, or even more likely, failed and gained weight back. Those of us who had big numbers to lose. Those of us who lost big numbers but still had more to lose. Weight was never just a number or just a vanity concern, but something that affects our lives in ways beyond our control. I like blogs that take me through the journey.. weight loss comes with many ups and downs, bad days, personal struggles, and emotional struggles. I find myself more inspired and invested in blogs with voices, not just pictures and calorie counts. 

30 Day Weight Loss Challenge - 10

Day Ten - What was the hardest thing you gave up during this “weight loss.”

How is it already day 10? And lol, how modernly pessimistic of the quotations wrapping “weight loss,” like it’s theoretical and whomever is doing this challenge only possibly has “lost weight.”

Ugh. I cut down on my social interactions. I had to. But I didn’t give them up. I told my friends I’d be mostly available for meals but would be cutting down on nights involving alcohol. I don’t believe in completely isolating yourself while you are losing weight (I’ve done this many times). This just ultimately screws you over when you try to re-integrate your life + new body after weight loss. I truly believe that you must balance weight control and life. You can’t diet and avoid restaurants until you’ve lost the weight- how will you control yourself in situations you’ve avoided?

My psych degree is talking, but the easiest way to overcome fear of a situation is to face it. It facilitates desensitization and adaptation. Me being afraid to go to lunch with friends while on a diet would always backfire- when I was “done” losing weight and off my diet, I would go to lunch unrestricted, order whatever I wanted, eat however much and feel like shit after. YOU MUST LEARN HOW TO EAT APPROPRIATELY WHEN YOU ARE OUT. With or without a current “ongoing diet.”

I don’t believe in changing the way I live my life completely just to diet (anymore). It’s too drastic a change on the mind and the stomach if you eat/live in “diet mode” and switch between that and “normal/social mode.” This is why I’ve relaxed with food restrictions. If I’m only eating salads alone at home on a diet, I am that much more likely to reach for fried chicken + potatoes when I go out with friends. Deprivation does that. So even on days when I am technically “dieting,” I allow myself things like this and on social/free days I eat salads. The point is, you have to see yourself always having a choice. It’s can’t be a switch between two different lifestyles… all or nothing, nothing or all. You can have (likely just half) a cheeseburger at home alone or out with friends- don’t glorify foods so that you become afraid of them and feel guilty when you do cave in. Portion control and balance, my two mantras.

When this “diet” (let’s not call it that.. how about… period of focused weight loss) is over, my eating habits WILL be the same. I’m focused on that now… re-learning HOW I can eat so I maintain yet never feel restricted. Remember, guilt is self-imposed, and I see a lot of girls beating themselves up for eating a piece of pizza even if it fits into their calorie budget. This guilt sabotages you in every way. If you were “allowed” to have A PIECE, enjoyed it, and moved on… would it have the same effect as guiltily having one piece and figuring “fuck it, I suck” (and possibly lead to binging on more)? 

The only thing this doesn’t apply to is alcohol. I’m pretty sure alcohol ruins most weight loss attempts in general, which has made it unappealing as of late, but when I do drink, I just have a few glasses of red wine. Alcohol + weight loss do not go together, and I cannot integrate the former into my life as heavily as I did before without consequence. So for life, and for my diet, alcohol has been devalued with the side effect of costing me a chunk of my night life, 

30 Day Weight Loss Challenge - 9

Day Nine - Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?

But of course. Would I have lost weight if they hadn’t?

A few that stick out in my mind

7th grade - 12 y.o. E in her first pair of flare jeans (size 6) meets friends at school on the first day of class. Hears “Those make you look fat.

9th grade summer - Family reunion. 15 y.o. E is told by the majority of her extended family that she needs to lose 20-30 lb and that being a size 8-10 (7-9 in juniors sizes) at her age wasn’t normal.

10th grade - 16 y.o. E hears from her guy bff that her crush said “I guess E’s face isn’t bad.. but she’s so fat…”

11th grade - 17 y.o. E cries the night of her junior prom. She helped all her friends prep/did their hair and even drove a few of them to the event location. One mean guy whispers to another “Fat girls don’t get asked to dances huh?” E overhears.

12 grade - 18 y.o. E is shopping for her prom dress. Finds the perfect, pretty dress at Jessica McClintock for $200. Kind Daddy buys her such dress (in embarrassment). The dress is a size 10. E actually doesn’t fit into it, so the night before prom she buys a $20 red dress.. size 12. E had also asked one of her guy BFFs to prom last-minute because she was afraid of not getting asked, so the night before the prom she has a panic attack and tries to purge the rice + soup her mother fed her. Does not work. Goes to prom fat, hears enough quiet insults to haunt her for years. “Psst, that’s why she never wears dresses” “Like a sausage stuffed into its casing” “ew” etc.

I actually heard less comments about my weight after high school because I was around good people, and perhaps by then I had some sense of self-respect because anything I did hear didn’t seem as bad/judgmental/personal as shit I heard when I was younger. But they still came

20 y.o. E @ Barney’s New York, Los Angeles. Just browsing. The size 0 sales assistant lifts an eyebrow when she asks to try a size 27 (waist) jean (I was shopping for “inspiration skinny jeans” and told her so). She says “good luck with that, shopping for smaller sizes never works” and got me the jeans. I didn’t even try them on.

21 y.o. E in Korea. Didn’t shop period. Why? The first time she went to DDM market (a 24 hour fashionista heaven) most of the vendors that worked there clearly said they didn’t carry her size. (oh, Asians and their hate for fat).

I mean I really could go on.. and on… and on…

30 Day Weight Loss Challenge - 8

Day Eight - Your workout routine.

Right now I’m mainly focused on cardio/fat burn. I just started toning but nothing exciting enough to blog about until I get results.

I’m going to the gym a la carte at the moment ($10 per visit) so I variably do this workout once or twice a week.

Other than that I am out pretty much every day, walking and running with my two dogs at leisure.